LOL @ mortality.

i swear, ever since i got health insurance a couple of months ago my body has been falling apart. last sunday i woke up near-blind in my left eye. since i couldn’t book an appointment with the eye doctor until friday, i spent a good part of my week freaking out, wondering if something had flown into my eye while i was wandering through the woods sneaking into the radiohead show, and constantly replaying random scenes from ray in my head. finally, i got to see an ophthalmologist, and it looks like i have a fucking cataract.

for those of you who, like myself up until last week, don’t know what a cataract is, here’s a diagram for your personal edification:

basically, it means that my eye got jacked up and everything looks like an orgy of blurriness. when the doctor first realized i had a cataract, he gave me this “should i turn him in as a medical phenomenon and get loads of moola” look, which i discovered was due to the fact that cataracts don’t normally happen until someone’s in their 70’s or beyond. so, how did i get mine? oh, lovers of western medicine, you’re gonna love this one:

so growing up i’ve had a mild case of eczema, a skin condition common among colored folks who, instead of living in the tropical conditions that they were meant to be in, are surrounded by dry ass american air and SUV smog. yeah, basically i was a crusty kid. when i was really really young, i would get this especially around my eyelids, so the doctors would prescribe these ointments that were loaded with steroids that would help mutate my skin back into hydrated bliss for the rest of the day. each time i went to a new doctor, they would look at the ointment i was using and say, “actually, you shouldn’t be using that around your eyes because it has steroids. here, use these, they have less steroids.” as a result, for a considerable portion of my life i’ve been basically smearing roids all up in my eyes, every single morning and night. i’m surprised i don’t have a pair of mike tysons in my sockets.

anyway, steroids cause cataracts, and now adriel has a cataract. WIGGITY WACK! when i get sick i don’t even take tylenol…these ointments were the only western medication i regularly took, and now look at me (no, really please do…cuz i can’t at this moment…)

so now i have to get surgery, where they’re going to remove my lens cortex and replace it with a fake one. they let me choose from 2 flavors:

1. the lens that’s covered by insurance: based on technology from the 1940’s, and i’ll have to choose whether i want to be near-sighted or far-sighted from now on, for the rest of my life.

2. the lens that’s not covered by insurance: i get to see both near and far. yay! but i have to cough up 2 G’s for it. ironically, i was planning on using that money to buy a projector.

i think it’s messed up that they make you decide on your eyesight quality like as if you’re deciding between cloth or leather seats. i’m choosing option 2, mostly because i feel that it would be so much harder to pick up girls at the club if i’m wearing glasses that makes one eye look way bigger than the other. no one’s trying to dance with invader zim.

additionally, i’m kind of suspicious of them knocking me out for surgery (well i hope they knock me out because being conscious for that shit would be kinda not fun). what if they implant a camera in my eye and the government uses me to spy on all my friends?? i’d feel pretty bad about that.

well, at least the guy on the brochure for old people is happy.

on the bright side, i’m one blink closer to being a real life cyborg, which is what i’ve always wanted to be–i heard there’s a future in it. i’ll keep you updated and try not to gross you out. in the meantime, here’s a celebration song, since as far as i know, robot eyes won’t alter your hearing.

lostinyoureyes
[download]