it was a little more than a year ago when i quit my job. as much as i loved working at youth speaks, i had to go. it was necessary for me, in order to make reality of the daydreams that cartwheeled in my head from 10 to 6, monday through friday. during the months leading up to my departure, my fantasies became rambunctious and i could hardly concentrate with all my excitement of this pending freedom. what would i do with all my time? surely, i'd write more. i'd record my album. i'd finish another book. i'd book more gigs. i'd volunteer at youth organizations. i'd learn mandarin. i'd travel to all the other continents. i'd spend more time with my family. i'd pick up painting. i'd get a girlfriend. i'd exercise more. i'd watch more great films. i'd start taking singing lessons. and amidst all that, maybe, just for some extra change, i'll work at a quiet cafe to pass the time.

the great thing about not clocking in and out of a job everyday is that (for the most part) you can set your itinerary for the day, and on the good ones you'll feel ridiculously ridiculously accomplished. but on the days when you don't get shit done, you feel like stale ass.

i wouldn't say that i was unproductive today, but i supposed that it's inevitable to feel shitty if it's a gorgeous hot sunny day in oakland and you spend your entire day cooped up in your dark ass apartment deciphering HTML code. i spent my entire day planning out how to transfer ill-literacy from blogger to wordpress. most people have no idea what that means, and won't notice when it happens. as for me, i've been sucked into the black abyss of geekdom and i'm probably still in it, being that i'm blogging about the shit.

what i'm trying to say is that time and energy is what you make of it. it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that everything that i wish i'd done that i haven't done is directly linked to my apathy in certain situations. many of us have dreams, and based on what i've observed, those that haven't been achieved are usually caused by our passive (and even assertive) allowance for distractions to get in the way.

before i quit my job, i was convinced that once i graduate college i'll have all the time in the world to create art. before that, it was switching out of the engineer major. before that it was high school.

some like to call it workaholicism, but mostly i think it's the human yearning to know that each breath hasn't been taken in vain. i spend too much time organizing and managing ill-literacy projects, as opposed to writing songs and poems and anthems for the art itself. it's the hustle of the independent artist--we're forced to spend more time promoting our songs than singing them.

so no, i wouldn't say that i was unproductive today. in fact, i got a very big check on my to-do list. but i'm starving to create.