for the past month or so i've been trying to write declarations each morning to kick of my days. most of them have been private or just shared with my close close folks. i wanted to share this one with all of you though. word.

christmas morning is so saturated. with anticipation, expectation, and of course the residues of memory. perhaps "residues of memory" is a redundant term. I remember when I remember anticipating christmas. I'm not sure if I remember anticipating christmas, per say. I am in the realization that some things do die with childhood. and it's not necessarily a bad thing. we look at youth as something so beautiful, and it is. but there are beauties that are left better off left to youthfulness. they say that one isn't able to understand abstract concepts until around the age of 9. being a poet, My world kind of revolves around these abstract concepts. being a poet is an abstract concept in itself. I still check Myself sometimes, try to understand how I fit into this skin living outside the grasps of a 9-5, cashing odd checks from schools I've never heard of, obsessing over the internet fame of those who may only dream of trickling past the borders of a web browser. Me, I create My world. I wear that like a badge. I tell it to people and at times it may sound like boasting but really, I'm just trying to convince myself that what I do is valid. We live in a society where "creating worlds" isn't understood as a job. though We were created in the image of the Creator. We clock in to Our office buildings, storefronts, cubicles, to maintain, not to create.

for the first time ever, I'm beginning this year as a creator. not mid-semester, or in the middle of a fiscal year, simply by the obstacles that I set Myself. by the strength of god I release any sort of longing or withdrawal from institution. it's a scary thing to begin a year without a syllabus to await, or a boss to answer to. extremely liberating, but also incredibly scary. since quitting My job, there have been many "fuck it" nights. as in, nights where I would normally feel like I need to sleep early because I have to wake up for work or for class, or for something higher to answer to, but then I realize that there is nothing and no one I am accountable to but Myself, ultimately. at the same time, it's sometimes difficult to differentiate the difference between not having a reason to wake up on time, and not having a reason to wake up at all.

not necessarily out of sadness, or emptiness, or purposelessness. just the fact that it's an incredibly abstract concept to grasp that one could ever be in a situation where one must make a commitment to oneself, and that that commitment is more powerful than what could ever exist with any other. when You're following Your dreams, there is no report card, or employee evaluation, or progress report, or fear of getting fired. it's really just about waking up each morning with the hope that whatever awaits you in the next 16 hours or so just might be better than whatever Your wildest imagination was able to muster up in the past 8.

and so this christmas I find Myself, reflecting, simply because there's not much that I remember about last christmas. at this very moment I don't even remember any presents I got, or what I did that day a year ago, or even what I gave to other people. come to think of it, there isn't much that i remember about my past 24 christmases either. ironic for a day that is so ingrained in my head as the most anticipated day of the year. what is it about this day that allows us to count down, create music mixes, reflect for hours about creating perfect gifts, gather with our tribes, form endless nostalgias for, if in the end we're just going to forget most of it 365 days later?

My brother and parents left for church an hour ago, and I feel pretty crappy about opting not to go, so I could finish watching superbad instead. I completely admire and respect my brother for sticking with his guns and going to the christmas eve service. I've been thinking about this, and how I also used to make it a point to go to church christmas eve no matter what. I've been thinking about whether this is an indication that I love, appreciate, acknowledge, relate to god less. but really, what I need to understand that it's never been about christmas. christmas is just a day. and days are simply terms to name periods of time, such as hours, and minutes, and seconds, and other units used to snag moments that are easily forgotten anyway.

I suppose it's not really christmas that I always anticipated, or that I miss. rather, it's a day that has been culturally recognized as a time where We are allowed to stop everything that We're doing to think about what We love. We have every excuse to not check our email, or answer phone calls, or return texts, or pay bills, or run errands, because all We're obligated to do is chill and reflect on what We love about Our lives. and what I love about My life is simply everything that has amounted to create who I am at this very instant. sitting in a suburb livingroom with a penn state hoodie and sweatpants, pikachu slippers and heater on full blast. I love the rotary connection playing from My speakers, and I love that this year I found a band to be obsessed with. I love the fact that I've lost track of how many moments this year I stopped to muse on the fact that I was in a state of complete bliss, even if that bliss lasted for only a split second. I love that we spent at least half of our family party talking and listening to music, rather than entering the house, plopping on the couch, and plugging into the television like a bunch of robots. I love that there is movement in My veins and in the branches of the luis family tree. I love that there is progress in the love movements that I have chosen to be involved in. and I love the fact that the universe has assigned Me the task of documenting all of this in poems, songs, and random journal entries.

the other day while shopping I overheard a greeter at the store stop herself mid-speech. it went something like, "thanks for shopping here! merry chri--i mean...have a good day."

I completely understand the political correctness of her self-editing. I understand cultural and religious sensitivity. I understand all of this. at the same time, I understand celebration and nurturing of the existence of Self. and Self involves Creator. it involves understanding the difference between editing oneself by uplifting others, and editing oneself by wilting inside. so for the sake of my own Existence, I must celebrate and nurture the existence of myself as a lover of the creator, and the fact that there are days where i feel the need to refer to Him as Christ, and there are other days where i need to refer to Her as Universe, and yet others where no Name exists for me to turn to and so I look into Myself for the nameless answers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to understand that I'll never be able to anticipate christmas the way I did when I was a kid, making felt pine trees and styrofoam snowballs and cotton snowmen, camping out in the living room for santa, anticipating the most divine of presents (which back then were limited to "ninja turtles 2" on nintendo). I need to focus less on anticipating this one day of the year, and appreciate the fact that I've found more in each day than i ever have before. and I need to build that momentum. long gone are the nights where I couldn't sleep because I was so juiced about the christmas morning after. rather, let each day be so ripe of contentment that My eyes collapse shut each night from joy's overcapacity.

I am honored to share this life with You, friends. thank You for existing in this time period with Me. thank You for being My reason for being.

love, adriel