an email that i sent to my friends last week. and now, i share it with you. my close webby friends.

*************PLEASE DISTRIBUTE WIDELY****************

Dear homeskills and homeskillets,

If you have received this message it is because I, the Original Adriel Luis, thought of you during this moment of extreme confusion and disillusionment, and trust that I can confide in you while I attempt to sort out the truth of this matter, and of the universe in general. I might as well get to the point:

THERE IS A FAKE/RECENTLY NEW MODEL OF ADRIEL LUIS AT LARGE.

That's right. I was spending a pleasant morning searching for myself on YouTube (that's just how I do) when I came across THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTNjhlCt3n0

Do not say "awww." DO NOT SAY "AWWWW." Do not be fooled by the fact that he is a "baby." That just makes it all that more threatening, as studies have shown that 6-month-old babies (such as this "adriel luis") are 38.53% more likely to receive random hugs from strangers, high-pitched compliments, and regular burpings than 23-year-olds.

And no, the baby is not me, and never was me, not even when I was a baby. For your reference, I have provided a link to an image of myself in baby form, in which you will be able to see that I was much more charismatic and had way better formed calves than this doppelganger.
The link is as follows: http://www.adrielluis.com/therealbabyadrielluis.jpg.

Do say "awww."

Those of you who may be a bit slow to understand the urgency of the issue might, at this point, feel inclined to get back to work, your paper, or MySpace to find that hot mama-jamma/papa-hamma you met last weekend (btw, Facebook's search is WAY more efficient). But if you are in fact one of those who have yet to join my battalion of concerned citizens, I have listed a couple of reasons why "baby adriel luis" is a threat to me, and thus to us all:

1) He's eating applesauce. I'M supposed to like applesauce! You can't just bust out the womb and start who-riding on my interests! What's next, are you going to start liking Grey's Anatomy and the Lip Gloss song too??

2) He's wearing all over print on his shirt. I, for one, have fought very hard within to resist falling into the viral fad of all over print that has been sweeping the nation. You know, those shirts and hoodies completely plastered with dollar signs, diamonds, or in "baby adriel luis"' case, cars (what a capitalist.) The last thing I need is some "adriel luis" styling on me by crawling around with fake Bapes.......

3) He's Asian. What the hell are the odds of there being ANOTHER ASIAN ADRIEL LUIS being born in the same century? Based on the Tagalog television in the background, I could possibly even conclude that, unless he's a Tagalog-speaking-Armenian baby, he's Filipino. People are supposed to mistaken ME for Filipino! What, is everyone supposed to start "correctly assuming I'm Chinese" now or something? Sorry kid, you're gonna have to put a lot more patis in your applesauce to take MY throne.

4) He's stealing the childhood I was going to live vicariously through my own children. I can only try to express how broken I was when I caught "baby adriel luis" with my favorite of the Rescue Rangers, Dale:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7XJ_EfcW3E
While I used to have a Dale doll to hold while I dreamt of cupcakes and revolution when I slumbered as an infant, this "baby adriel luis" is trying to have one up on me by flipping it. Obviously, this baby knows people. And chipmunks. This baby has been places. Well, you know what's one place he'll NEVER be able to get into? My heart.

HOW THIS AFFECTS US ALL:
Sure, if my name was a bit more common, like "Chris Lee" or "James Kass" I wouldn't feel as threatened. But we of unique and unpronounceable names thrive on, of many things, the comfort of knowing that our statuses are untested. We wisp by username signups and buy web domains with ease, and it's the reward for putting up with every single substitute teacher and Jamba Juice worker who has ever slaughtered our names. If it's this simple for someone to take the name ADRIEL LUIS, any of you could be next. No one is safe, it doesn't matter how many consonants you may have in a row (you know who you are).

WHAT WE CAN DO:
This is a sensitive subject. I originally wanted to summon all of you to rate the "baby adriel luis" videos with only one star to signify them as "Poor," but that would be wrong...afterall, I can't let his YouTube videos get more hits than mine. Ultimately, I'm basically contacting you in an attempt to claim dibs on the primary "Adriel Luis" spot in your socio-personal hierarchy. I don't think it's too much to ask, just if you meet any other Adriel Luises I expect you to preface their name with "The Other," "The Fake," or "Not My."

Next, I also ask you to go a little bit more in depth if you ever find yourself in some isolated random incident where my name is brought up (or even if someone says "Ay did you lose this?" which sounds sort of like my name if said real fast, and I need all the attention I can get). If someone asks you if you know Adriel Luis, instead of giving a one-word answer, please say something along the lines of "Yeah I do. I know the Original Adriel Luis. (pause) And he's a shipload of a lot better than that scollywaggin' baby on the internet!" (say "internet," not "YouTube," we don't want to provoke "baby adriel luis" with free advertising).

Lastly, just acknowledge. Like Common said, "I just wanna be." What he meant to say was "I just wanna be myself without anyone else getting their fallopian tube all up on my name, son!" But he couldn't fit that in one bar.

Remember that. I just wanna be. And I'm sure all of you do too. Well, except "baby adriel luis," who'd probably say something more along the lines of "I just wannabe."