words cannot explain how relieved i am to finally get my toiletries bag back from ruby! (i hate the word "toiletries," by the way). last week in an utter frenzy to get onto a flight that we ended up missing anyway, i stuffed my pouch of bathroom goodies into ruby's luggage so i could bring mine carry-on. of course i forgot to get it back from her before we parted ways, so for the past few days i've been trying to get by without a couple of vital hygiene goods.

it's not what you think. yes, i've been brushing my teeth (remember in high school when you woke up late and stuffed your mouth with altoids on the schoolbus instead? ok maybe that's just me), i've been shaving (i mean, i have to...my frothing testosterone might break stereotypes too quickly...). so really, the main thing that i've been itching for (literally) is my skin ointment.

it's not what you think. see, i have a mild case of eczema, meaning that sometimes parts of my skin get really dry and (ahem) crusty. i gotz it from my mama. it's not so bad anymore, but man-o-veridian-o, back in the day i was like....Crusty Crusterton the Third. nowadays it's just some allergies every once in awhile, but during the change of seasons i start..like...molting...and without my medication, things were getting very un-a-peeling (get it???? nevermind).

but for real, i have pretty terrible skin. especially in high school, i had acne and eczema! at the same time!! imagine how frustrating it is for a kid who's already mad at the world to look in the mirror and have one part of his face glistening in oil like a curly fryer and a part right next to it dryer than barbara walters' armpit (that's probably a bad analogy, i'm sure barbara walters is rich enough to keep her armpits supple). you get what i mean though. so i'm sorry, asian america. there are a number of things that i hope to be the "first asian american male" to do, but starring in a neutrogena commercial isn't going to be one of them. there aren't going to be any scenes with adriel splashing water on his face in slow motion anytime soon. in fact, my skin is so bad, a couple of years ago for a commercial shoot the makeup person had to pad my face down in napkins like a round table pizza (but then of course i just spit in her face and said "that shit's not makeup...it's make BELIEVE.")

but i guess it's all karma. when i was a kid i made fun of my dad for being oily, and within a couple of years i was falling asleep in class and leaving grease stains on my homework. luckily for me my hormones have become a bit more stable and i can now stand in the public on a sunny day without creating a glare on my forehead, and i can ruby my eyes without creating a dead-skin-snow blizzard.

okay, all of this is really disgusting. i'm going to sleep.